I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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