The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
