I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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