My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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