this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
what day is it and did you see me today?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
