Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
