The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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