dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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