I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
