I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
