dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
