yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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