The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
