My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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