I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
