How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
