does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
