maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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