Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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