Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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