Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
