You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
