$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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