True but thats because hes a fetus.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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