Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
