Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
