How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
