What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
