My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
