sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
