We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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