look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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