Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She bit a glass in half.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
