if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize