U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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