You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
