You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
