just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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