i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
