1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
