If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
