best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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