i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize