Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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