feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
