Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
