How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
