The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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