yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
