just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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