Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
