i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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