we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
