you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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