I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
