No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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