Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
