You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
