I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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