Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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