There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize