As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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