So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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