1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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